thoughts on being a mom

This week was hard for me. I was overly emotional the whole week. Paul was in and out of town, working 'til 1 AM, then again out of town all weekend. The kids woke up way earlier than usual every morning, Nolan didn't take naps, he won't eat a solid meal, or listen to a word I say. He has been super naughty and Caitlin has been really whiny. Caitlin had diarrhea that ended up on the bathroom floor instead of the toilet multiple times. Saturday was one of my worst mom days in a long time: another early wake up, a whole bottle of chocolate milk spilled all over our kitchen rug (that we just had professionally cleaned), Nolan wouldn't eat lunch and I finally strapped him in and he threw an all-out fit for 10 minutes, they both bickered and whined all day, Nolan threw things down the basement window wells and picked almost every unripened vegetable in our garden, he didn't nap. And then to top off the evening he took a dark blue white-board marker in Caitlin's room and colored all over her bedside table and her brand new bedding. I told them let's get in a bath and Nolan ran in and got the water going, then climbed in fully clothed. I lost my temper, was tired, put the kids in time out multiple times and yes, even spanked throughout the day. Which always puts me in a bad mood too because I hate being the mean guy and hate it that my kids can push my buttons. All that mixed with the other demands of getting things done, trying to help others, being really pregnant, fulfilling my church calling and being a good wife... Not only hard things in my own little bubble but this week alone an entire Malaysian airplane was shot with a missile while flying in the air and taken down, everyone died. A family friend lost their 4 month old baby after her struggle in the NICU her entire life and a family inHouston Texas was shot in their home, leaving only their 15 year old daughter alive and alone. Emotional and hard things happened in the world which makes my problems seems so small, but definitely added to my emotions.

I decided to put together a (much needed) girl's night for Friday night. And it was awesome. We went to dinner and then up to Sundance and went to the next segment of the Bluebird Concert Series up there. We enjoyed our night and each other's company and the music. Performing up there this time was Amy Grant and Marshall Altman and Dylan Altman. They were awesome. I mean, I still listen to Amy Grant's Christmas album every year. Her voice is so pure and beautiful. I loved hearing their stories and experiences. Towards the end someone requested Amy to sing "Breathe of Heaven". She said she had never performed it with a guitar but was so gracious to try, and it was beautiful of course. I had heard this song before, but this was perhaps the first time that I had heard it and really listened to the words and felt the connection as a mother to this song about Mary, mother of Jesus. The words of the song have surrounded my thoughts:
"Breath Of Heaven (Mary's Song)"

I have traveled many moonless nights

Cold and weary with a babe inside

And I wonder what I've done

Holy Father you have come

And chosen me now

To carry your sonI am waiting in a silent prayer

I am frightened by the load I bear

In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone

Be with me now

Be with me now

[Chorus:]

Breath of heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of heaven

Breath of heaven

Lighten my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you are holy

Breath of heaven
Do you wonder as you watch my face

If a wiser one should have had my place

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

  Help me   

First of all, I was so touched by thoughts of Mary and the woman she was and the amazing role she played in this world. I feel like as I grow as a mother I appreciate Mary more and more. She is amazing to me and definitely one of my most beloved people in history and in the scriptures. 

Personally, a specific part of the song stuck out for my own life: "Do you wonder as you watch my face, If a wiser one should have had my place, But I offer all I am" Thinking about these words literally brings me to tears. the moment when your baby is placed in your arms for eh first time and you lock eyes with them is without a doubt of the most beautiful and tender and magical moments of life. that moment changes your life forever and changes YOU forever.. you become a mother. All of the sudden you see this infant that is perfect and is yours forever and you know that you will do ANYTHING for them and that you will spend everyday of the rest of your life trying to care for them and make them happy. As I listened to the song I thought of that moment, and what my baby's thoughts must be in that moment. What do they wonder about me? This person that they've only seen from the inside out thus far. Do they wonder if I will keep up my end of the bargain and sincerely try every day to be the best mom to them that I can be? "But I offer all I am"... I'll be the first to admit that my offering ebbs and flows depending on the day. Non-diarrhea days probably hold a more acceptable offering than harder days. Some days I lose my temper, raise my voice, or cry because I am so tired. I wonder why disciplining has to be so hard and has to come so often and I wish my kids would just listen and behave. 

But it's important to keep offering. It's important to just remember that every day is a new day, it's a chance to start fresh. It's a chance to get up, be the best mom I can and remind my kids that I love them, and that I really am trying to make everyday count and to give them the best childhood I can. 

Sometimes it's hard to remind myself of this, like when my fresh start is blurred by sick kids up throughout the night or 6:30 wake up calls. Those moments it feels more like a pep talk than a reminder of a sacred promise. But it's there. Just as that beautiful moment was there when I looked into their eyes and knew they were mine and I was theirs forever. 

The days are long but the years are short. I'm so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who helps me be strong, who teaches me how to love and offer myself fully and who lightens my darkness, hears my prayers and comforts me. I have a divine nature that helps me to know that I'm trying and I'm doing ok, even if a wiser one could have taken my place, I'm the one who is meant to do this and be a mom to my little ones and to love only the way I can. Which is a little terrifying and mostly amazing. I'm so thankful for my life and my family and that I get to be with them forever and especially that I get to work to make those days count and keep us together so we can get to that eternity.

So, fine. This week I needed a re-do. It did a number on me and no doubt I could have handled certain situations better. Definitely took a lot of pep talks and some grumbles under my breath. But we made it through, and tomorrow is a new day to remember my special moments, delight in them, and boost up my offering. 

home tour: Caitlin's loft bedroom

Since finding out we were pregnant, and maybe even a little before, we have been trying to decide where to put all the kids and how to have our family grow in this house. After MUCH deliberation we delved into finishing part of the basement and moving Caitlin upstairs. This way her room is huge and she can have part bedroom part playroom and still use the "kids bathroom" on the main floor and be close to mom and dad's room, among other reasons. We talked up the big move a lot and she was ready. She even started referring to her room as "the baby's room" before she was even completely moved out. She has been sleeping great and really enjoying her new space to play and have friends up and be creative. She has been good about keeping it clean and sharing everything and she wants to invite anyone and everyone to come see her new room. I'm so glad she loves it!

Design-wise we kept the same color scheme and theme for her room portion. I really just re-used and re-positioned things from her room. The big change was all her new bedding, and figuring out storage with no closet! For the playroom portion we added a big magnet board/whiteboard and the table and chairs and then storage for everything. 

Details:: bedding: duvet = ikea, white ruffled pillow = target, blue ruffled pillow = pier one (old) all other pillows sewn by me from previous room fabrics. armoire: painted with Annie Sloan chalk paint in "old world white" knobs from hobby lobby, white table and chairs = ikea, low cube shelf = ikea, large mirror in dress up area =  ikea, everything else has been re-used from previously

July begins

Can't believe it's already mid July.
The basement/backyard projects are finally finished. At long last!! I really can't even explain what a relief it is to be completely done. It took WAY longer than we expected and being pregnant makes everything seem so time sensitive. We still have a few projects from our end but i'm glad to be done dealing with a negligent general contractor and random workers in my house at all hours. However with all that being said, I am very pleased with the end result and it was really fun to see all of my planning and designs come to fruition. Home tour pictures to come!
We took a day trip to San Francisco! Vivint Solar is getting ready to move into a new building, and eventually have a building built for them so they have been working with an architecture firm in San Francisco on the plans and design. The firm invited them out to tour some of their recent projects and invited the wives along! It was my first time on a private jet and yes, it was amazing. There were 4 couples who went and we met one more there. They sent the girls to the spa, lunch and shopping while the guys all met and toured then we re-convened for a little more shopping and an amazing dinner. It was so much fun to just be somewhere totally different for the day and be with a fun group of girls doing relaxing and fun things... just to take a step away from normal life for a day! Our cute neighbor Lauren babysat the kids and they had a great time. I was so glad that Paul invited me to tag along and get a taste of what his traveling life is like when he's away from us!

 The 4th of July was busy and very fun and festive: Provo parade > BBQ at our house > naptime > Todd Petersen party (face painting, cotton candy, blow ups and bounce houses, food, treat bar...)  > Stadium of Fire. We rocked out to Carrie Underwood and watched the fireworks keep coming and coming. It was a great day to celebrate America.

Other activities we've been filling our time with: trips to the splash pad, a trip to the Hogle zoo, getting to see Mike and Jenna and Bailey a little bit while they are here visiting, and also a going away party for Brad and Kinzie Hancock (moving back to Texas and they will be missed!)

neither here nor there

insta June:

joys of motherhood: june

-Caitlin does "quiet time" every day while Nolan naps. She basically just has to stay in her room and sometimes plays with toys but usually just snuggles down and has the ipad all to herself. She plugs in her headphones and watches her shows and plays games. I try to limit their "screen time" throughout the rest of the day, and I only let her play the ipad during quiet time and so far it was worked amazingly. So anyways one day it had run out of battery and i came in and plugged it in to re-bot for her. We were waiting for it to turn back on and she was getting a little impatient. Then we had this conversation:
Me: "just wait for the apple to pop up"

C: "but... who ate the little bite from the apple?"

Me: "I dunno"

C: "maybe it was someone really sneaky"

Such a mystery of life... who ate the bite from apple's apple? Probably Steve Jobs.

-I bought the cutest little overalls for Nolan. Short pants, grey/white/blue plaid i was so excited to put them on him. Lately he has been very opinionated about his clothes so when I showed them to him a few times he had said no. Finally I decided today was the day for his overalls and i put them on him and as i was doing up the buckles he started to realize what he was very and got really mad and adamant. He was yelling very sternly "no! no buckles! no! off now!!!!" and tugging on the buckles. He kept repeating himself and was just working himself into a tizzy and had to get these shorts off. So I took them off and offered him another pair of normal shorts and he put them off and was fine. Heartbreak! I don't know why he hated the overalls so much!

-Caitlin's latest obsession is sonic grilled cheese. She asks for one for lunch every single day and LOVES them. She eats the whole thing, but no crusts.

-When we were in Park City riding the alpine coaster Caitlin was just giddy with excitement. She loved riding it and she was screaming and yelling and whooping so loudly. She often comes up with phrases that are all real words but put together in the funniest context. For example, on the roller coaster she yelled: "I just love these appointments!" and "This is serious!"

-Walking out of the grocery store the other day Caitlin turned to me and said "Mom! You just look so cute today with your big baby belly!" 

-Caitlin calls Nolan "Nolie" (No-LEE) and Nolan calls Caitlin "tayen" and they sure do love each other. It warms my heart seeing them play together and have little moments together. Not saying they get along 100% of the time, but realistically probably 95%. It's such a blessing. 

june

This has been a really fun summer so far. We've been keeping the kids out late and they have actually been sleeping in and we've been filling every moment in between with as many fun things as we can... so it's really been feeling like summer! Doesn't look like it'll be letting up any time soon either! Here's a recap of everything I haven't already posted about:

-At the beginning of the month we got to have Jeff, Melissa, Madison and Emily come visit as well as Lorraine. It was so much fun playing with the cousins and spending time with Grandma. They were also here for Nolan's birthday. Caitlin is obsessed with Madison and the two of them were often in their own little happy world of princesses and best friends.

-Paul had to have surgery on June 6th (yes, Nolan's birthday... note to self let's not schedule surgery on one of our kids' birthdays again) Paul gets fatty cysts all over his body. There is no reason for them they just develop under the skin and form large bumps. They are not harmful at all but jut bothersome so he decided to have them removed. The doctor found and removed 22 cysts! Mostly on the upper half of his body, especially through his stomach and back. He was put all the way under and had the procedure. If there is any side effect or extreme to a medicine, Paul will get it. We both thought this would be a minor thing but going into it and afterward we realized it was not so minor. He felt afterwards like he had been stabbed 22 times. No we know he will never enter a knife fight! Luckily Paul has his amazing willpower and recovered fairly quickly, although he is left with a lot of scars.

-The kids did a gymnastics class at the American Fork Rec Center this month. It was once a week and I did the mommy and me class with Nolan while Caitlin did the 3-5 year old class. We also did it with Cason and Corinne! It was a fun experience although Caitlin likes dance better and Nolan is very wild. Our teacher took pity on me being to pregnant and trying to chase Nolan around and lift him onto things. He did like it but didn't like being told what to do. He was good and rolling forwards and backwards and also very strong... the bars were probably his favorite. He was also pretty good at walking on the beam and would often tell me he didn't want my help (on the beam and everything else). Caitlin was very good at listening and following instructions but a little more hesitant to try things. She also had a few different teachers and i think that bothered her... she likes to bond. So after the month was over we decided not to return. I told Nolan's teacher we probably wouldn't be back next month and she said "Oh that's good, you need a break!" haha!

-We had ward Girls Camp for a few days and I got lucky by playing the pregnancy card so I just popped in and out. Unfortunately the first day was super rainy all day. When I came up in the late afternoon people were soaked and sick of the rain and then during dinner it started snowing! It was pretty crazy. We ended up having a sleepover in another leader's basement that night. Luckily the next days were nice and no rain so we were able to have a successful camp overall. The girls in our ward are really such good girls with kind spirits and i could not be more grateful to have such a wondering group of leaders to serve with. They are definitely my best friends in the ward and we have such a good time together!!

-Caitlin and I went on a mommy daughter date with Bella and Tiffany Bills to see the "Cinderella" musical at the Scera outdoor theater. It was the Rogers and Hammerstein version so it took her awhile to grasp the different songs and slightly different telling of the story. And the fact that Cinderella had red hair. But otherwise it was a delightful night! Caitlin LOVES having special dates with her mom or her dad.

-Paul attended the Forever Young Gold tournament in Heber and then that night they rented out the Park City Mountain resort for families to come join. We had dinner and the Alpine slide, Alpine coaster and other kiddie rides as many times as we wanted. The kids (and the adults) LOVED it! We had so much fun.

-We did a weekend in Moab over June 20th and had a blast. Our kids were seriously made for Moab and we all enjoyed the warm weather, sunshine, outdoor adventures, and time together. We went with Hansens and met Jake and Amy Gregory there. We drove several trails, ate out, went swimming, got sno cones, and made shirts at the T-shirt shop.
The RZR did great and was such a smooth ride (the only way I would even consider going being so pregnant!) I even got out of my comfort zone and drove on Hell's revenge a little, which I think was one of Paul's proudest moments of me ever. The boys took a night ride and tipped it over! Luckily the damage was only cosmetic and the problem was quickly found and fixed. The Gregorys rolled their RZR and that was quite the experience as well. So there were definitely some more adventurous moments but luckily everyone came away safe and happy. The kids could not have enjoyed it more... strapped in their car seats and "driving crazy"... love my fearless littles!

-My parents and grandparents came up for the last week of the month for a visit culminating in my Grandma's 80th birthday celebration. We enjoyed having them stay with us and getting the extra time with great Grandma and Grandpa! We had Grandma's party at a park with dinner, home made ice cream, birthday cake and Grandma told about her life and others shared memories about her. All of her siblings were there and whoever could come out of their families so it was like a mini family reunion. It was great! I love my Grandma and the tenacious, intelligent, kind, and generous woman that she is.