thoughts on being a mom

This week was hard for me. I was overly emotional the whole week. Paul was in and out of town, working 'til 1 AM, then again out of town all weekend. The kids woke up way earlier than usual every morning, Nolan didn't take naps, he won't eat a solid meal, or listen to a word I say. He has been super naughty and Caitlin has been really whiny. Caitlin had diarrhea that ended up on the bathroom floor instead of the toilet multiple times. Saturday was one of my worst mom days in a long time: another early wake up, a whole bottle of chocolate milk spilled all over our kitchen rug (that we just had professionally cleaned), Nolan wouldn't eat lunch and I finally strapped him in and he threw an all-out fit for 10 minutes, they both bickered and whined all day, Nolan threw things down the basement window wells and picked almost every unripened vegetable in our garden, he didn't nap. And then to top off the evening he took a dark blue white-board marker in Caitlin's room and colored all over her bedside table and her brand new bedding. I told them let's get in a bath and Nolan ran in and got the water going, then climbed in fully clothed. I lost my temper, was tired, put the kids in time out multiple times and yes, even spanked throughout the day. Which always puts me in a bad mood too because I hate being the mean guy and hate it that my kids can push my buttons. All that mixed with the other demands of getting things done, trying to help others, being really pregnant, fulfilling my church calling and being a good wife... Not only hard things in my own little bubble but this week alone an entire Malaysian airplane was shot with a missile while flying in the air and taken down, everyone died. A family friend lost their 4 month old baby after her struggle in the NICU her entire life and a family inHouston Texas was shot in their home, leaving only their 15 year old daughter alive and alone. Emotional and hard things happened in the world which makes my problems seems so small, but definitely added to my emotions.

I decided to put together a (much needed) girl's night for Friday night. And it was awesome. We went to dinner and then up to Sundance and went to the next segment of the Bluebird Concert Series up there. We enjoyed our night and each other's company and the music. Performing up there this time was Amy Grant and Marshall Altman and Dylan Altman. They were awesome. I mean, I still listen to Amy Grant's Christmas album every year. Her voice is so pure and beautiful. I loved hearing their stories and experiences. Towards the end someone requested Amy to sing "Breathe of Heaven". She said she had never performed it with a guitar but was so gracious to try, and it was beautiful of course. I had heard this song before, but this was perhaps the first time that I had heard it and really listened to the words and felt the connection as a mother to this song about Mary, mother of Jesus. The words of the song have surrounded my thoughts:
"Breath Of Heaven (Mary's Song)"

I have traveled many moonless nights

Cold and weary with a babe inside

And I wonder what I've done

Holy Father you have come

And chosen me now

To carry your sonI am waiting in a silent prayer

I am frightened by the load I bear

In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone

Be with me now

Be with me now

[Chorus:]

Breath of heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of heaven

Breath of heaven

Lighten my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you are holy

Breath of heaven
Do you wonder as you watch my face

If a wiser one should have had my place

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

  Help me   

First of all, I was so touched by thoughts of Mary and the woman she was and the amazing role she played in this world. I feel like as I grow as a mother I appreciate Mary more and more. She is amazing to me and definitely one of my most beloved people in history and in the scriptures. 

Personally, a specific part of the song stuck out for my own life: "Do you wonder as you watch my face, If a wiser one should have had my place, But I offer all I am" Thinking about these words literally brings me to tears. the moment when your baby is placed in your arms for eh first time and you lock eyes with them is without a doubt of the most beautiful and tender and magical moments of life. that moment changes your life forever and changes YOU forever.. you become a mother. All of the sudden you see this infant that is perfect and is yours forever and you know that you will do ANYTHING for them and that you will spend everyday of the rest of your life trying to care for them and make them happy. As I listened to the song I thought of that moment, and what my baby's thoughts must be in that moment. What do they wonder about me? This person that they've only seen from the inside out thus far. Do they wonder if I will keep up my end of the bargain and sincerely try every day to be the best mom to them that I can be? "But I offer all I am"... I'll be the first to admit that my offering ebbs and flows depending on the day. Non-diarrhea days probably hold a more acceptable offering than harder days. Some days I lose my temper, raise my voice, or cry because I am so tired. I wonder why disciplining has to be so hard and has to come so often and I wish my kids would just listen and behave. 

But it's important to keep offering. It's important to just remember that every day is a new day, it's a chance to start fresh. It's a chance to get up, be the best mom I can and remind my kids that I love them, and that I really am trying to make everyday count and to give them the best childhood I can. 

Sometimes it's hard to remind myself of this, like when my fresh start is blurred by sick kids up throughout the night or 6:30 wake up calls. Those moments it feels more like a pep talk than a reminder of a sacred promise. But it's there. Just as that beautiful moment was there when I looked into their eyes and knew they were mine and I was theirs forever. 

The days are long but the years are short. I'm so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who helps me be strong, who teaches me how to love and offer myself fully and who lightens my darkness, hears my prayers and comforts me. I have a divine nature that helps me to know that I'm trying and I'm doing ok, even if a wiser one could have taken my place, I'm the one who is meant to do this and be a mom to my little ones and to love only the way I can. Which is a little terrifying and mostly amazing. I'm so thankful for my life and my family and that I get to be with them forever and especially that I get to work to make those days count and keep us together so we can get to that eternity.

So, fine. This week I needed a re-do. It did a number on me and no doubt I could have handled certain situations better. Definitely took a lot of pep talks and some grumbles under my breath. But we made it through, and tomorrow is a new day to remember my special moments, delight in them, and boost up my offering.